The Change

I spent this last summer saving up money for my mission and trying to get papers in. They told me I could start my papers once I had the amount needed. Well months after I had the amount I was still talking to my bishop more less begging him to let me start my mission papers. He said as soon as I talk to the stake Pres I could start my papers, but the stake Pres did not agree with the amount that the bishop and I had set in my goal to have in savings for my mission, so he told me to start over and work for a while longer before starting my papers. This actually sent me home in tears I had so hoped to be at least encouraged by him, none of the church leaders have really said any words of encouragement only stated over and over again that it will be very very hard. I understand that it is hard work, hard work and I don’t have any problems with each other. Once I put my mind on something there is no chance of me giving up. Well after sending my self into a constant prayer I found some unexpected answers. Hard Answers  for me to except. It is not time, I will be forever in this loop of working towards it as hard as I can but I will never get anywhere because It is not time. There is some thing out there that Heavenly Father has planned differently for me, Perhaps even marriage. I mean all my life I have had my focus on serving a mission, every since I was 14 years old, and I would not let any guy close enough to lead me to the path of marriage in fact I was very good at the “just friends” thing. Actually this summer God has sent little whispers saying” Bellah there is another path”. I have had a few guys confess having deep feelings for me, in missing one guy my feelings for him have grown and all that time i was pushing those feeling away. I even became slightly baby hungry as some one asked me to hold there few week old baby as they chased their toddler. I mean God was really trying to get my attention, But I am very good at keeping my mind on that one goal. So now I am taking a step back and reevaluating who I am and what I am to do with my life. I think I am going to go back to school this next spring and find a summer job away from home for next year.