I felt slightly stalker like today. I used Google maps to walk the streets of Ephraim. I just miss hanging out with people my own age. I miss being on my own to do what I would like or need. There were times at snow college I would feel lonely and then I would walk down the hall.. Cured. haha oh lovely as I write this the song " All by myself" starts playing.. its perfect tho. It is how I feel. I look back and wonder why. Why did I push all those nice young men away; I was so afraid that I would forget my mission that I would not go because some silly boy got me to fall in love with them. I was afraid I would chose a guy over my mission and end up getting hurt. You know a mission can not break your heart like a boy can. I thought a mission would be the only thing that would make me happy and it was safe. Well now I am yelling at my self for being cold and turning my back as guys flirted with me. I just told my self " oh they could not be really flirting with me" " don't make things up they don't like you" " You are not the type of girl they flirt with" All through College I was called the Cynic. I love watching the romance movies and reading love stories but when it comes right down to it I have a hard time believing that I will find love. Ya I make up stories for my self saying some day some one would prove my thoughts of " He could never love some one like you" wrong. But now it is different. Some times I actually believe my stories. Lately alot more.. Am I becoming a helpless romantic!? That is scary! because I am not hiding behind a mission any more. I cant justify not dating any more.
I can stay hidden.
How do I be my self around those I do not know. I mean with my close friends I am me. They say that if a guy was to see me like that they would be drawn to me and fall hopelessly inlove with me. I guess that could be true, but I have some guy friends it not like I do not talk to guys at all. So next time I get out of this town ( that of course there is no guys my age to be open to) I will try to shine. See if every one is speaking the truth saying that it is me holding my self back.
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